Why, Hello...

Am I back? I don't know. but I had to share this:
And say: My children grow more beautiful by the second it seems.
ZJ is three in January and I almost can't believe it. Hes still not a huge talker of english, but doesn't really shut up or stop talking either. He drives me insane, breaks my heart and makes me laugh my ass off. He loves his dad like woah, and could give or take me. The curse of being the working parent sometimes is too hard to bear for this mama.
I love the way he is obsessed with pirates and is almost always in his 'pirate hat' (a knitted black beenie with a skull and crossbones on it). He hates putting on cold clothes on because he is worried they are wet, yet can play in the water outside for hours on end. I can't get over the way he tries to be tricky and the way he says "what happened!?" he he pretends to fall over.
Last weekend him and I went for a wander down the long driveway and then down the very busy main road 'treasure hunting', me basically in my pjs and him in his boots clutching a bucket for all his finds.

Evie is a wee beauty at 14 months. She loves to eat everything and can devour anything within a few seconds. Today she started walking. Shes been standing up solo, cruising and everything for ages, but today she sort of just started walking like shes been doing it for months. Shes so clever and already has so many words that I couldn't even list them all. She says 'ahoy!' when ZJ has his pirate cartoons on and as soon as she is in her highchair in the morning she starts demanding 'mmmnanas!'. When we ask her for a kiss she leans over towards you and goes 'mmmmm!'. She has a smile that can light up a room and melt any heart. Her uncle calls her Scruffy, and ZJ calls her 'Weedy'.

Farewell

There comes a time when a girl must move on.
And the time has come in regards to this blog.

To be perfectly honest... Its not ME. Well, ok...it is. But its kind of a fake me.
I feel restricted in what I can say or do because I know people are watching. Real life people, people that possibly judge. Ok definitely people that judge but people that I care about judging... if you know what I mean.
This whole thing? Its not me. Its more like a veneer. A show.

Its all for others... and its exhausting!

This turned into a place where people came to see what was happening in my life, or our lives really. But you know what? If you want to know that stuff you should call me. Or chat to me on gmail or Facebook. You are all mostly added there anyway. You want to see pics of the kids? I can email them.

I debated sharing anything on the interwebs again but I need a place, a chunk of space that is just mine. Something for the selfish as all fuck fourteen year old girl in me. So I now have a Tumblr account, its not under this same user name - I've let that one go too. Its for pretty little things that catch my eye. Words, poems and pictures and make my brain tick and sing to me. And a home for my self portraits from the 365 project.

Follow me if you like. But don't bring your big girl judgy pants.

Its about me. The inside me. Not the mama me (well, probably that too because thats a huge chunk of me), but its most definitely the non work-safe me. I want to swear and I want to cuss. I want to have a place where I don't think.. oh shit I'm half naked in this picture because I feel comfortable with my body and my sexuality but OHMYGOD what is [instet name of relative] going to think, DOIEVENCARE? Shit.. Do I? Yes? No? ...Yes.'

But before I go I just want to say I'm doing ok and we are doing good. Thank you for your lovely comments, support and love after the miscarriage, especially to those of you who knew from the beginning and were there to cyber-pat my head and fill my head with noise to numb it out. Thankyou to all the D&B loves out there.

I have a wonderful little family, and a wonderful life ahead. The pain, once dulled, only makes that brighter.

xo.

The baby that got away

Today, on May 10th, I would of been around 14 weeks pregnant. And as the BabyCentre calendar was suggesting - would be a good day to announce my pregnancy.

As I write this it is the 15th of March and today I have miscarried.

I was so shocked to find out I was pregnant. It was certainly not planned. I didn't feel ready to be pregnant again, even if I felt we could have and handle another baby ok, the thought of being pregnant just freaked me out to my core. How could my body even be ready for this again so soon? How can I be pregnant and be at work again for another go? How is this fair when my other friends are trying so hard to conceive and I just get knocked up randomly?
And we have plans you know? We are getting married next April, no wedding dress shopping now eh? Let alone a budget for this gig. How are we going to afford the maternity leave now?

I was so shocked to find out I was pregnant and borderline crazed over plan making. And now I'm so hurt and disorientated to find out the baby is gone.

Another kick in the guts, one which I can't quite understand why it hurts so much when surely it should of prepared me, was that I knew it wouldn't last. Easy to say now right? But I mentioned my rather pessimistic views on it a few times to Simon, who I had begged not to tell a soul about the pregnancy even though he promptly told his mother (and will now have to tell her sometime soon that the baby is gone). "I don't think this baby is going to stick" I texted him once while I was at work. I had no signs that it wouldn't it was just something I felt. When I thought forward to November 8th, the possible due date of my unborn baby, I could not imagine holding another on in my arms like I could with all the others. Although I had nausea and I was exhausted, I also kept forgetting about being pregnant and when I somehow reminded myself of the fact, the shock would send me reeling again.

Two hours before the bleeding started I had a complete meltdown at Simon. Freaking out about not being able to handle doing it all over again, going another round of being the breadwinner, a mum, no sleep and now also sharing my body again.

And then it happened, a simple trip to the loo turned to absolute horror and here I am, sitting here at my desk which still has a positive pregnancy test sitting innocently on it ...and I'm devastated. And I don't feel like I should be, like I don't deserve to be since maybe my negative thoughts brought this all down on me. Like somehow I'm paying for it.

Even though there is a rational side of my brain whispering 'these things happen, its not your fault, it wasn't meant to be, your not guilty, its probably for the best', just as I had whispered to friends in this very position (yet never ever will again) there is another side of my brain yelling 'suck it up bitch, your totally did this'.

I hope by the time this auto-posts (If its not deleted before then) that I have come to terms with it more, and maybe let some of the guilt go. I wonder if the terror would of subsided and I will be feeling more matter of fact about it all.

I hope I get over it. But something tells me a little part of me wont.

Some things about my son

I'm having a hugely bad day and I'm unwell... but instead of spreading my misery here I'm going to talk about some wonderful stuff I love about our son.



He went through a stage recently where he would only want to wear his monster all in one polar fleece PJs instead of pants.  I would tie the arms around his waist to form a sort of belt so they wouldn't fall down. I didn't care so much but it was the middle of summer so I can't imagine polar fleece was very comfortable. Each to their own though.

He has a bit of an obsession with cats. He likes to get books with pictures of animals in and says 'Nooo' and shakes his head at every animal in every picture until he gets to a cat. Every other animal is called 'no'. Cats are 'dats'. He tries to call our cats by waving his arm in the air and rubbing his thumb and forefinger together like hes trying to click and then yelling 'ddaaaAAAHHaaaat!'.

He calls his father 'Dad Dii'.
I am 'Daddaa'. Like a lesser, more inferior version of his father. (which technically, in his eyes, is probably true)
We play this game every day where I say "can you say ..Nose!" and he repeats the word, usually pretty well if he knows them (as in he knows what it means, what it does and how he can take it apart with a screwdriver). Try and get him to say 'Mama' or 'mummy' and its 'Daddaa'.
Needless to say, he hasn't really mastered the english language yet.

He says 'oh no!' at least 219407324 times a day. Sometimes he drops things on purpose  just to say it, I swear.

Before bed he has to kiss everyone goodnight. He runs around the room going 'mmmmmm!' and poking his face out, lips puckered. If you take too long to respond his MmMmMMs get louder and louder and he starts pointing at you frustratedly.
If he can possibly get away with it, he will pretend hes forgotten that he has already kissed everyone goodnight and do another round. Hes got good stalling tactics.

Sometimes he is such a little douchebag to his sister and other times hes so so kind. He will fetch her a rattle and shake it in front of her before handing it over. Then he will get a burp cloth and wipe her drool/spill up (all the while saying in his little concerned voice 'oh no! OOH NO!')  and he will pat her head affectionately.

I love the way he can sleep. Sometimes if we have put him to bed and hes decided its not time for sleep he will be a monster and destroy his bed. He will pull all the sheets and mattress protector up, sometimes throwing it all out of the cot but usually he will pile it up in the middle with all his soft toys and you can tell he was laying over it screaming before suddenly just falling asleep, atop the pile.
I go in there at night and remake the bed underneath him, tuck him in and kiss his head. He NEVER wakes up.

<3

♥ list

Love this rustic farm wedding via Ruffledblog.com.

 Lots of fantastic ideas in this low budget wedding blog.

Bit in love with this white floss silk wedding shawl via Mucar on Etsy.

Custom fingerprint rings from Fubuluster on Etsy.

There is so much I love about this camping wedding weekend via OnceWed.

 I have developed a love for convertible dresses.

Gah. <3.

Weeks 9 & 10

Gah, I've been a slackarse keeping track of the colours I have been wearing lately!

So, without further ado, week 9...
BYS - Ultra Violet


Week 10, Avon Speed Dry in Boysenberry

Happy mardi gras

The other day I was feeling nostalgic, as I'm want to do at this time of the year, so I pulled out my huge bag of mardi gras beads from under the bed.

This is what happened.








Happy mardi gras everyone!
And to my New Orleans loved ones? I miss you. Have a daiquiri for me ok?

Everyday...

He seems to grow an inch, or change just a wee bit.





No longer my little baby, but a little boy.
♥

Buttons buttons!

I'm not really a button wearing person, but I would make an exception for these beauties!

♥ list

I am so completely in love with these boots by Spirocreations!!!
They are even from New Zealand. Oh the pictures I could take with these. 

I just need to win lotto first.

 How awesome is this wall decal?? 

 Gorgeous wee print by Nutandbee.

Beautiful shawl by Mucar in Turkey.

So pretty! Grecian ring by Grigio on Etsy.

Love this Can Lantern idea that I found on Ruffled.