The Bottlefeeder in Room 1

So my stay in hospital was an interesting one. I really thought this time I would be more prepared, more mentally able to cope with any questions, looks, having to give reasons 1 millon times to the 1 million different staff. But in all honesty, I really wasn't... Not in the slightest. Infact in some ways I think I was less able to cope. Like the past 19 months of judgement have worn me down to next to no coping reserves.

After the utter crap that was the recovery room, I didn't hope for much getting to the wards. My midwife had told me a few weeks prior to the birth that Auckland National Woman's was a 'baby friendly' place and therefore no longer supported formula feeding, so in preparation, we had brought everything of our own including sterilizing tablets and a container to put them in. But of course we still needed water and boiled water to make up the bottles so Simon went off as soon as we got wheeled into place to organize things and figure out where to get this boiled water from. We had NOT brought our own kettle from home becuase we assumed there would be a way of acquiring boiled water at a hospital. After a short time he was back with us saying 'this place is weird!'. He explained that he wasn't hopeful for help either after what had just happened, but the first nurse he came across and had explained what he wanted to had actually pointed him not only in the direction of the 'Formula Feeding Room' (a locked room where the ONLY kettle in the ward is and bottle feeding supplies are) but also said 'oh and you will need sterlization tablets etc..' and made a move to get them for him. When Simon explained we had everything and what we had been told the nurse apparently had looked a bit shocked and said 'jeez we are not that bad now are we!?'.

Yeah guys, you are.

The first night I was there was kind of horrid. After a CS you are not really able to move for a few hours but of course being a 'baby friendly' hospital, baby is also roomed in with you. Which is fabulous except if your baby starts crying you cannot do anything except ring for the nurses and midwives and hope someone turns up shortly to help. The first midwife I called gave me this long stare as i told her baby was hungry and i needed a bottle made up. Eventually she sorted out the supplies but instead of using our formula went and got some of the pre mixed stuff and used that. It requires no boiling water of course (which is down the other end of the ward behind that locked door) and just needs heating up. But she wasn't friendly about it at all and immediately I started feeling bad.

I sat and berated myself for being so selfish. And then I sat berating myself for berating myself over it.
The midwife who was actually meant to be looking after me came in with her helper not long after to sort me out and make sure i was recovering all ok. Round two of the 'I'm bottle feeding conversations' ensued when I asked if they could fill my flask up with boiled water so I could make bottles myself. The midwife went off somewhere and the helper asked me if i wanted to use the pre mixed stuff as it was easier and I was shocked. 'But you dont support formula feeding here' to which the helper said 'well some of us don't but we dont say anything about it.' before walking out. The midwife returned shortly after and actually asked me what my reasons for bottlefeeding were so that she could 'tell the others to shut them up'.

What? They are talking about me? Are they sitting their reffering to me as the 'Bottlefeeder in Room 1'?
I explained to her all the while thinking 'I shouldn't HAVE to do this!'. I was angry, and I was ashamed.

All those feelings from earlier came rushing back and I began to cry - which, I think, made the midwife feel guilty and so off she went to 'shut the others up' I presume.

I had wanted to ask for milk suppressants that night, because I figured they wouldn't offer them to me (and I was right) but I actually was too scared. I was too scared to ask for medication to make myself more comfortable. Isn't that stupid? When I did finally get the courage up to ask for them by the way, I was told it was too late and I should of asked the day baby was born. I would have to deal with the consequences.

The next day was abysmal also. I was feeling pretty low already though and I got sick of explaining myself every two seconds which made those low feelings even worse. I got comments and I got the looks.
 I really started feeling like a second rate citizen. Like I didn't deserve being cared for.

I realise now that I'm obviously still hung up with guilt about formula because from that moment on I really started punishing myself. I stopped using the pain meds as much sub consciously and I didn't ring the bell for the nurses/midwives unless I was totally desperate for help. I would do more than I should of moving wise because I didn't want to explain again and again or have them sigh as they went off to find boiled water. I didnt wan't the bell to be rung and then look up at the screen and think 'oh its that bottlefeeder in room 1 again'.

Idiotic. I know.

By the time I had some nice supportive carers I had given up completely on the feel good about myself feelings and I was really worried about what all the hospital staff were thinking of me. I was totally paranoid.
One night a lovely tiny Indian looking midwife started working my end of the ward. She came in and saw me being a bit distressed (pain, Evie not sleeping etc) and asked if she could take Evie from me down to the nurses station for a few hours so I 'could get some rest' and since I was 'bottlefeeding and it was a quiet night it was no problem to do at all'. I was so paranoid that I actually refused. My immediate reaction was 'then they could prove I'm a lazy bottle feeder by handing my child off!'. No way, all the breastfeeders no doubt have their babies with them, I will do so to.

Eventually I ended up breaking down in front of this midwife and she was the nicest person I have ever come across in a hospital. She was angry and demanded to know who had asked me my reasons, as it really was irrelevant to anyone and non of their business. She wanted to know who had said bad stuff to me but I shut down and didn't answer.  I had to deal with these people again, I wasnt naming names. I told her in between heavy sobs how I felt I was a bad mother because I was so selfish. She listed reason after reason explaining how I wasn't.

Each night she would come in and ask to take Evie and on the third or forth offering I took her up on it. She made sure I was medicated enough and after a while she was the only one I really trusted on the ward.

I really wish I had said goodbye to her and wish I told her how much she did for me before I left. She made all the difference to surviving my stay mentally (event hough she must think I'm a crackpot for the amount of times I broke down in front of her!).

The other thing that got me about hospital was the lack of knowledge on formula feeding by the nurses and midwives. Some thought it was ok to use the Zip water for making up feeds (which I didn't). One asked if i wanted to make up a whole lot of bottle in advance and keep it in the little coffee kitchenette at the end of the hall so it was accessible (which I didn't think was a good thing to do).  Most thought it was fine to keep a small supply of boiled water in a flask in my room with the bottles but another one, when asked to let me in the locked room so I could fill my flask up, kind of told me off for doing it that way and told me that I should always always boil the kettle and let it cool for 10 minutes before making any bottle up.

I think thats what makes me angry the most about my stay - the lack of knowledge. If i wanted help breastfeeding I would of had 10 trained professionals bear down on me within seconds. If i needed help and advice for safe prepation of bottles - no one knew. That is ridiculous... and unsafe!

I kind of want to write a letter but I think it will fall on deaf ears. The whole problem with this 'baby friendly' pro breastfeeding stuff is that I think its a good thing deep down. I want it to be the social norm to breastfeed your child but I also want to have proper advice and measures in place for people that can't or don't.
Why is so difficult to have a happy and safe medium?

I don't know if we are done having kids yet. I don't know if can keep having children as I have a butload of scar tissue apparently and I'm not sure what that means for future c sections. But one of the biggest reason I may not have any more is the fact that hospital scares me now. I let it all get to me and I let them make me feel bad about myself. I let myself believe I'm a bad mother and its not a good way to start off a new child with.

Being a fearless formula feeder!

I recently did a guest post on the Fearless Formula Feeder, which is a rehashed and updated (not to mention a little more edited and grammatically correct..er kinda) of my post Confessions of a formula feeding mama back in September last year.

If anyone knows me, they know how passionate I am about this subject. I think its ridiculous the amount of pressure put on new mums to breastfeed and the guilt inflicted when they can't or choose not to.

Unfortunately, I'm not fearless at all and wow how i went back and forth after i sent the post off to Suzie at FFF! Comments about how selfish i am still reduce me to tears. I still sit up late at night reading lactivist blogs and torturing myself with their comments. When someone asks me how long i breastfed for I still balk at telling them the truth, because i know the looks I will get and the judging that will ensue.

One day I hope I can be Fearless.
But really, deep down, one day I hope that I don't need to be fearless.

Dear lord, I have a one year old

Hey bloggerverse! Its hard to imagine that I have a one year old kicking around. It doesn't really seem like that long ago I was laying in a hospital bed, utterly covered in tubes and devices recovering from a traumatic labour and c section. It doesnt feel like a year ago that I was wheeled down to NICU to hold my baby for the very first time.

I remember feeling utter awe and just how wonderful he was.

I remember when I was finally allowed to get out of that hell hole which was hospital and go home with my boys. It was such a lovely couple of weeks and when someone described it as a 'babymoon', I couldn't agree more. I was smitten, my partner was smitten and god we were just so happy. Everything fell into place and my baby thrived.

A now here he is...a year old! Its a such a joy to see him change and grow each day and turn into a little person.

♥

For those who never got to read my baby's birth story which I wrote back in February 2009, here it is....

Why can't we all just get along?

Why can't we all just get along?
Why can't we all just support each other?
Why can't we just all be informed of the pros and cons and get on with it?

Short answer is obviously a resounding "no".

I would never suggest a mum go feed her babe via breast in a bathroom. Ew! I know what i do in there and it aint that hygienic! I'm so glad that that crap (excuse the pun?) doesn't happen here. I'm glad to see mums in our library feeding their babes at the computers and in the children's area and outside on the benches. I don't understand why people [in other countries] get upset at seeing a woman breastfeed.

BUT the same goes on the flip side. I don't understand why breast feeding advocates attack me for formula feeding. Why do they have a go at me over the counter at work? (No, I wont let that go because it honestly was hideous). Why do pro breast feeders go on formula feeding support posts and write nasty comments or just go on and on about the benefits of breast feeding and harp on about 'breast being best'.

Seriously? Like we don't know that?

Breast is best has been shoved down my throat since the second i conceived. There are posters everywhere. When i try to look up information on the formula i'm planning on giving my child all it says is that 'breast is best" and "consult your doctor", who then shrugs and doesn't give me any advice. My plunket nurse all but attacked me when I told her there was formula in the bottle I was feeding ZJ. I'm bullied at work about it by patrons who imply that I'm a bad mother.

How am I not supposed to get a little sensitive and feel upset about that all that? How am I supposed to feel confident as a mama? How do I NOT feel guilty when all i get is the spiel? Don't try and tell me that any guilt i feel is just because I know I'm doing the wrong thing. Its because of people like you who wont stop telling me I'm a terrible person.

Ergh. Im angry. 

The Fearless Formula Feeder!

I woke up to such a lovely thing this morning.

No, not ZJ crying his head off at 2, 3 and 4am (at which point i dragged him into bed with us) who is nursing his very first real cold.

But two lovely comments on my post confessions of a formula feeding mama which I wrote a while ago.

When i wrote that post way back when i was terrified. Terrified of all the nasty comments and hate mail i was sure to get (and did) terrified that my lovely breast feeding mama contacts out there would dis me (and probably did) so it was really nice to see two gorgeous comments from two lovely people.

On top of that, it also pointed me in the direction of a great blog The Fearless formula Feeder and i can't even begin to express how wonderful it was to see it. To see someone so like minded and far more able to articulate it that i ever could.

I'm gushing aren't I?

But... SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS!

Here is a couple of favourite excerpts that totally sums up how i feel.

"As I've said before, my stance is ardently pro-breastfeeding - when it is right for mom and baby. I don't see supporting formula feeders as hurting the rights of my breastfeeding sisters. I would be happy to campaign on your behalf - I would gladly attend a nurse-in and flash my non-lactating breasts in support of you all (hell, I have flashed them for far less noble causes) - but the extreme faction of your group has alienated me to a point where I feel like I need to equally militant to defend my formula feeding sisters. It's like the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, but over milk instead of land. (Although isn't that "the land of milk and honey"? Hmm...)"
(from Why it is not irresponsible to support formula feeding mothers.)

"But I do think this study brings up an interesting point. Breastfeeding advocacy is great, but at what cost? Where should we draw the line between supporting women who want to nurse, and alienating those who don't?"
(from A dangerous side effect of Bottlefeeding guilt.)

"Why was I so excited to find this piece? To start, the writer, Jennifer Graham, is the first person I've seen that considers the choice element in all of this craziness. I still can't understand how the same people who want laws off their body when their child is in utero can turn around and insist that laws be put back on our bodies once that kid is out. For the record, I am ardently pro-choice, but I hate hypocrisy, and I am finding a lot of it in what I once considered "my camp". Strange bedfellows, indeed."
(from is Formula the New Cigarette)

Confessions of a formula feeding mama

In my area of the world, and especially in the area of Auckland I work in, breast feeding is the norm and you are a bit of a social pariah if you don't do it. Which is a good thing really - it means I live in an environment that encourages the best way possible of feeding your child. Breast milk is the best sort of nutrition for your baby, its the perfect food and it does all sorts of wonderful stuff like adjust to the baby's needs and pass on antibodies to help fight of nasties, help fight crime and see in the dark.

Everyone around me breastfeeds, the women who come into my work all gather around in the children's area and feed their children. You see them on the Internet computers breastfeeding while catching up on emails. At the park, at the cafes down the road across from the beach (bit of a skite here, i really do work in such a beautiful area!) The women I work with told me their own breastfeeding stories. My family did it. The posters in all the doctors/midwives offices told of support lines, benefits and tips and tricks. Although there are formula ads on TV now and then, you only ever see them for the toddler milks, not for newborns etc.

People look down on people that don't breastfeed here. If you don't believe that, no offence but you are obviously a breast-feeder and never dealt with someone telling you over the counter at work how you are selfish, poisoning your child and ruining his life (yes - this has happened to me. Twice now).

So when i say i don't breastfeed and that I never once breastfed my child, don't think I made the decision lightly and do realise there must of been an important reason why I chose not to.

What I'm finding though as a formula feeding mum at just how little support there is for it. I know that all you breast feeding mums have said numerous times on all your blogs that you just need to google formula feeding and there are 49208342109 results. But seriously guys (and this may be just because I am a reference librarian and I'm trained to think this way) but at least 90% of what the Internet says is not true, come on. There is also things to take into consideration such as how old the information is and who it is giving the information.

How many blogs do you find about women who say 'yes i formula feed my child'. Hardly any. We don't have support groups or web rings or special banners on our blogs saying 'we are formula feeders! Lets unite!' Or at least if there any any they must be underground because for the life of me I can't seem to locate any and as previously mentioned, its my job to find things. There is a thick layer of guilt - no matter what the reasons for doing so - surrounding the formula feeding mother. Its like catholic guilt, it stays with you.

I can hear a chorus of 'well...breast feed then' raising round me right now. But sometimes you just can't, so don't start.

When i first decided to formula feed i had little support in choosing a type formula. Once you say you are going to formula feed its like everyone switches off and stops supporting you. I tried talking to my midwives and doctors and all i got was 'well a popular one is...' and that's it. Does popular actulally make it good? Or is it popular because i ton of uneducated mothers buy it? I had no idea what the difference, if any, there was between 'whey based' or 'cows milk based', what reflux stuff did or the pros and cons of iron fortified stuff and so on. Even when I HAD selected a formula when i went to their website to get more information all it said was 'breast is best - consult your doctor'. It was like going around in circles. You would think the formula company would give you solid information would you not?

It makes my heart heavy to read articles like this one, in which studies have shown more babies are dying because of lack of information to do with formula. Does this not show we are in desperate need of support?

At hospital (in which i had to stay for a number of days against my will thanks to my emergency C section, ergh) I was treated badly and bullied by the nurses to breastfeed almost everyday - even though I had instructions in my notes from doctors about formula) And then they kept trying to give ZJ less formula than he needed and as it was behind a locked door (not to mention i could hardly walk) I couldn't get to it myself. I was unable to have my own equipment or formula with me so they literally controlled everything. He would be crying in hunger, it was obvious that it was what he needed but they kept saying 'oh well he had 30ml 2 hours ago so he doesn't NEED more - the chart says so'. On the second to last day I was there my midwife found out that they were using a chart for babies using formula as a supplement. Ergh.

Luckily for me, after our lovely midwife broke us out of hospital early, and we were home, Zander took to our formula like a duck to water. He grew, he was full and he was happy. I made damn sure that each feed was a special bonding time for all of us, whether it was mum or dad feeding him. I would stare down into his huge eyes and smile, I would hold him against my bare skin to let him feel my warmth and smell my smell (this is pretty easy considering it was the hottest summer from hell ;)).

I was, and I am, lucky. He has been nothing but a dream to feed.... but there have definitely been times I could do with a little more understanding, a little more support. There needs to be less prejudice against those of us who do formulas feed. Contrary to popular belief - we aren't just a load of selfish cows who don't like our children.

There needs to be some sort of system where breastfeeding IS encouraged and supported in different ways (and honestly, i think our country, or at least my part of it, is pretty good on that level) but there also needs to be follow up for those who cannot or do not breast feed so that we can all raise our children to be happy and healthy little mites to the best of our abilities.

Is that really so much to ask for?