Farewell

There comes a time when a girl must move on.
And the time has come in regards to this blog.

To be perfectly honest... Its not ME. Well, ok...it is. But its kind of a fake me.
I feel restricted in what I can say or do because I know people are watching. Real life people, people that possibly judge. Ok definitely people that judge but people that I care about judging... if you know what I mean.
This whole thing? Its not me. Its more like a veneer. A show.

Its all for others... and its exhausting!

This turned into a place where people came to see what was happening in my life, or our lives really. But you know what? If you want to know that stuff you should call me. Or chat to me on gmail or Facebook. You are all mostly added there anyway. You want to see pics of the kids? I can email them.

I debated sharing anything on the interwebs again but I need a place, a chunk of space that is just mine. Something for the selfish as all fuck fourteen year old girl in me. So I now have a Tumblr account, its not under this same user name - I've let that one go too. Its for pretty little things that catch my eye. Words, poems and pictures and make my brain tick and sing to me. And a home for my self portraits from the 365 project.

Follow me if you like. But don't bring your big girl judgy pants.

Its about me. The inside me. Not the mama me (well, probably that too because thats a huge chunk of me), but its most definitely the non work-safe me. I want to swear and I want to cuss. I want to have a place where I don't think.. oh shit I'm half naked in this picture because I feel comfortable with my body and my sexuality but OHMYGOD what is [instet name of relative] going to think, DOIEVENCARE? Shit.. Do I? Yes? No? ...Yes.'

But before I go I just want to say I'm doing ok and we are doing good. Thank you for your lovely comments, support and love after the miscarriage, especially to those of you who knew from the beginning and were there to cyber-pat my head and fill my head with noise to numb it out. Thankyou to all the D&B loves out there.

I have a wonderful little family, and a wonderful life ahead. The pain, once dulled, only makes that brighter.

xo.

The baby that got away

Today, on May 10th, I would of been around 14 weeks pregnant. And as the BabyCentre calendar was suggesting - would be a good day to announce my pregnancy.

As I write this it is the 15th of March and today I have miscarried.

I was so shocked to find out I was pregnant. It was certainly not planned. I didn't feel ready to be pregnant again, even if I felt we could have and handle another baby ok, the thought of being pregnant just freaked me out to my core. How could my body even be ready for this again so soon? How can I be pregnant and be at work again for another go? How is this fair when my other friends are trying so hard to conceive and I just get knocked up randomly?
And we have plans you know? We are getting married next April, no wedding dress shopping now eh? Let alone a budget for this gig. How are we going to afford the maternity leave now?

I was so shocked to find out I was pregnant and borderline crazed over plan making. And now I'm so hurt and disorientated to find out the baby is gone.

Another kick in the guts, one which I can't quite understand why it hurts so much when surely it should of prepared me, was that I knew it wouldn't last. Easy to say now right? But I mentioned my rather pessimistic views on it a few times to Simon, who I had begged not to tell a soul about the pregnancy even though he promptly told his mother (and will now have to tell her sometime soon that the baby is gone). "I don't think this baby is going to stick" I texted him once while I was at work. I had no signs that it wouldn't it was just something I felt. When I thought forward to November 8th, the possible due date of my unborn baby, I could not imagine holding another on in my arms like I could with all the others. Although I had nausea and I was exhausted, I also kept forgetting about being pregnant and when I somehow reminded myself of the fact, the shock would send me reeling again.

Two hours before the bleeding started I had a complete meltdown at Simon. Freaking out about not being able to handle doing it all over again, going another round of being the breadwinner, a mum, no sleep and now also sharing my body again.

And then it happened, a simple trip to the loo turned to absolute horror and here I am, sitting here at my desk which still has a positive pregnancy test sitting innocently on it ...and I'm devastated. And I don't feel like I should be, like I don't deserve to be since maybe my negative thoughts brought this all down on me. Like somehow I'm paying for it.

Even though there is a rational side of my brain whispering 'these things happen, its not your fault, it wasn't meant to be, your not guilty, its probably for the best', just as I had whispered to friends in this very position (yet never ever will again) there is another side of my brain yelling 'suck it up bitch, your totally did this'.

I hope by the time this auto-posts (If its not deleted before then) that I have come to terms with it more, and maybe let some of the guilt go. I wonder if the terror would of subsided and I will be feeling more matter of fact about it all.

I hope I get over it. But something tells me a little part of me wont.