Fail day

Yesterday was just a bunch of fail.

We had the 20 weeks ultrasound in the morning and man was this baby not cooperating. Again. I don't know if i have moaned about it here but every time I go to the midwife or doctor or whatever this kid is playing games. I don't know how he/she does it but no matter what they cannot pick up a heartbeat.

The first time it happened I was 12 weeks pregnant and so borderline on hearing the heartbeat with the doppler anyway, but internally my brain was saying 'she should be picking it up, they picked it up in seconds at 10 weeks with ZJ!@#!' and freaking out. The day after that I was having my NT scan so after 10 minutes of trying to get this heartbeat picked up, my midwife said she would catch up with me after the scan and gave me the 'hopefully everything was still alright with the baby'... blah blah blah talk, and how they 'hope there is still a viable fetus but to be prepared for there not being one' blah blah blah.
It was a horrid 24 hour wait for that ultrasound and I tell you, when the sonographer put the do-dacky on my belly and straight away we saw that little flickering heart I almost fainted with relief.

I also realised something I had been feeling in my bones anyway, (and i fully believe 'mother bones' feelings exist :P) that this one was stubborn [like her/his mama] and also ....a bit playful.
This one was going to be trouble?

I blame ZJ, he lulled us into a false sense of security with his zero issues, his love of routines, great health and the fact he was sleeping through the night at 3 months. This one? She/he is going to undo all of that, I can feel it.

The next appointment I had with the midwife the same thing basically happened, but becuase i was at the huge clinic she called in a sonographer with a mobile unit to take a check and put my mind at ease. By this stage i had started feeling the baby (although no medical professionals would believe me :P) and i *knew* in my heart that everything was ok, but even when the sonographer picked up the baby straight away and saw that little heart beating, figured out its exact location, the doppler STILL wouldnt pick up the heart beat.

At that point I gave up at ever hearing it and I think from now on i will say no if they ask if i want to hear it with the doppler :P

Yesterdays scan followed the same pattern. Baby was first laying in the worst position possible for getting all the data they wanted. I was made to go to the loo (a bladder of pee i had saved up just for the midwife tests <3) and that made things a little easier but baby kept hiding under my belly button. After 45 minutes of hard pushing on my belly (which was painful and i feel bruised today!) the guy gave up and went and got another lady to help, she was much gentler thankfully but she was having just as much trouble and when they came to look at the sex, baby had clamed her/his legs together so tightly it was impossible to tell. Oh and then her/him decided to STAY PUT like that.
The sonographer was hesitant to tell us what she thought the sex was, becuase she couldnt get a good look, but after i said 'well his family only has boys if that makes it easier' she said 'oh i was going to say girl, i saw no dangly bits'.

So we are no closer to knowing what the sex is and this rubs me up the wrong way like you wouldn't believe. Finding out this information was the only reason I wanted to have the scan. I hate surprises and it bugs me not knowing so bad.

With ZJ we knew he was a he and we could name him and when I lovingly patted my belly I referred to it as 'him' and we called him his name. 
I felt prepared! Now? Not so much.I know how i feel is ridiculous and either way, from all accounts, I'm having a healthy baby... but damn it bugs me! I sulked about it all day and to be honest I'm still sulking!

I guess we will just refer to the bump as Mystery Meat from now on,  or MM for short. Sigh.

Anyone else out there desperately wanted to find out the sex and couldn't?

Maternity photography

Being pregnant again has seriously reminded me of the fact I love taking pictures of pregnant bellies!

I've decided to get into more paid photography work, and to kick off I've started a photography page with some awesome specials to check out!

My walking big boy

A couple of weeks ago ZJ just decided to start venturing out on his feet. It was really bizarre as even though hes been pulling himself up, cruising around the furniture and walking if he was holding onto our hands for months, hes been really reluctant to try walking. And to be honest, its not like we were encouraging him... He have our hands full as it is without a baby running around ;)

But one Sunday morning, while I was letting his daddy sleep in and watching Ace of Cakes (I <3 it so much and it is on at the crack of dawn on the weekends - perfect for me!) I was sitting on the floor watchig the box and I stood ZJ up my leg length away and let him go expecting him to giggle [like a maniac] like usual and sit down... but he didn't. He took 3 big steps towards me and fell into my arms.

I had a 'WTF!?' moment but quickly recovered and praised him and tried it again, this time he took 4 steps! At this point i went squeeing into our bedroom to wake Simon up and tell him.

(You guys have no idea how rapt I was that I was the one who got to witness his first steps. Being the working parent and yet the mummy I feel so conflicted about the whole thing and I'm terrified of missing out on these moments.)

The last couple of weeks have been filled with everyone in the house sitting around on the lounge floor playing catch the baby as ZJ toddles between the 4 of us.

This morning, he stood up next to me on the couch and just walked across the room.

Awwe, my little man is growing up.

Liittle Yellow Riding Hood

I think i seriously want to get into more maternity photography. Anyone in Auckland, New Zealand wanting any done?

19 weeks

I'm so out of practise, not only self portrait making abilities wise but photography as a whole wise. There is so much wrong with this image of me but I can't seem to fix it enough.
But I wanted to upload something. Something to show and something to talk about in regards to this new baby. Something to celebrate... because we really have been so quiet about it all and so low key. And thats not how it is in actual real every day life.

The baby is really starting let its presence known these days and its quite exciting. Its a pretty active little thing and already i can feel it moving from the outside sometimes.

I'm so much more relaxed and prepared this time around and it make the whole process so so much easier.

Huzzah! Its finished!

Last year a project was taken on by the fPOE ladies to create a photo book to sell on Blurb showcasing a selection of our awesome work. I'm happy to say that after months of hard work by the design team (which I am honored to be a part of!), the book is finally out! Huzzah!

May I present to you....

She's A Rainbow

By Female Photographer's of Etsy

"She's a Rainbow" is the first book from the "Female Photographer's of Etsy" team. The team was formed in 2009 and has over 200 members.

Arranged by color, the book features the photography and bios of 58 of those members from across the globe.

Buy the book HERE 

I have images within the green, pink, b&w and orange, if you are looking for my work ;)

Books of the week!

The babe has been rather restless and grumpy at bedtime this week. We seem to juuust be judging it a bit wrong and getting him ready for bed about 10 minutes too late it seems.

Anyway to get his attention back on the stories I've brought home a whole lot of tiny quick 'touchy-feely' books from the library again. He is a big fan of the 'Thats not my...' series by Usbornes. There are a whole heap of them like 'Thats not my pirate', 'Thats not my baby' and 'Thats not my truck'. Anyway they are cute once sentence per page books with little textured bits on each page. This week we have:

'That's not my fairy'
Hes been turning the pages of it all day. His dad recons its not very 'manly', but what do I care? I couldn't handle bringing home, and reading 10432974732 times 'That's not my truck' again.

'This is my digger'
Then, while fossucking through the children's section the other day looking for the 'That's not my' series, I came across the 'This is my...' series which also has NOISE making buttons! Woo!I'm so going to be looking for more of these becuase the kid LOVES it.

'Little blue truck'
Man this is a cute one! Its a little board book as well (non touchy-feely unfortunately) but has a longer story involved. The language really rolls and rhymes and I just think its awesome and it got the little one's attention so thats all good.

My little man

This is ZJ at 6 days old. I was just going through some of the pictures of him on Flickr and just reveling at how much he has grown and changed. I remember this tiny little newborn who barely moved limbs and now he is this full on mischievous noise making creature.

This photo means alot to me because this was the day i really started falling in love with him. I remember just sitting there watching him sleep and marveling at his tiny perfect hands and feet and those gorgeous eyelashes.

I'm guessing most people blame the fact I didn't breastfeed on the fact it took 6 whole days before I started truly falling in love with my child. But I don't. I blame the fact that I had a traumatic labour that ended in me out cold in an operating theatre unawares of them pulling a baby out of me. I blame it on the fact I couldn't even hold him until many hours after he was born, let alone skin to skin contact... and even when I did get to hold him I could only have 5 minutes before he had to go back into his wee incubator. My first sight of him was a polaroid picture of him wired up to many tubes and breathing equipment in a little clear plastic box.

Not that it really changed much in the end and i don't feel bad about how it happened. Sure, I didn't get that 'bam! I'm so in love' that most mothers get straight away but i sure as hell got it in the end.

And wow, how amazing it was...

As you might of figured out, we are expecting baby number two and I wonder how different its going to be actually being conscious for this baby's birth (that is if they get the spinal/epidural whatever to work this time and I don't have to be under a general) and what impact it will have on our bonding.

Did you bond straight away with your babe? Or did it develop over time?

Cloth nappies

So, I'm not big on the huge Green Movement. Not so much because I don't think its a good idea, becuase I do... But more that 'green' seems to be the new black and its hard to see what actually make sa difference and what is just marketed as being 'green'.
...That, and all the people that seem to hassle me/judge me the most about formula feeding and being a working mum (even while my partner stays home), seem to be those lean mean green crunchy parenting machines that ONLY use cloth nappies or else.

So going along with them, just quietly, instinctively makes me want to hurl.


With Zander we were not keen on going there. For those above reasons and also... Cloth nappies to us are in our brains as being those horrid big squares of fabric with the pink edges that you have to master some origami skills to even fold and then secure onto the poor unsuspecting child with those scary arse 'safety pins' (that so could easily stab into the precious flesh of my child). Oh and the poop on cloth thing. Gross. The extra washing put us off completely.

But we spend a fair amount of money on disposable nappies and with impending baby number two I'm seriously thinking about doing the cloth nappy thing.

So cloth diapering mothers (or attempted cloth diapererers) out there... give me your feedback and answer me these questions...

1. What the hell is the difference between all in ones and 'pocket' cloth nappies?
2. Are they very absorbent? like would they work as well as a disposable or do you just become used to the cloth nappy ways and deal with the fact they are not that absorbent?
3. Night time? for those elusive babies that sleep through the night and you don't want to wake?
4. In reality, are they hard to clean? how do you do that?
5. Can they be washed in cold water? and well? (hot water washes are so expensive, its almost worth getting disposables and destryonig the planet so i can save a few bucks :P)
6. WHAT ABOUT THE POOP!? How does one tackle it?
7. Do they go all mouldy if you don't wash them asap?
8. How many cloth nappies do you need?
9. Nappy rash.. is it worse? Some people swear cloth nappies makes it better but ZJ has never had problems with the right brand of disposables.
10. And finally... recommendations.. what do you recommend as a great brand/type? And what system do you use when it comes to this stuff and how much extra trouble is it really.

Seriously.. give me all your feedback. You love it? You hate it but do it anyway? You did it but gave up? Tell me what you really think.