The baby that got away

Today, on May 10th, I would of been around 14 weeks pregnant. And as the BabyCentre calendar was suggesting - would be a good day to announce my pregnancy.

As I write this it is the 15th of March and today I have miscarried.

I was so shocked to find out I was pregnant. It was certainly not planned. I didn't feel ready to be pregnant again, even if I felt we could have and handle another baby ok, the thought of being pregnant just freaked me out to my core. How could my body even be ready for this again so soon? How can I be pregnant and be at work again for another go? How is this fair when my other friends are trying so hard to conceive and I just get knocked up randomly?
And we have plans you know? We are getting married next April, no wedding dress shopping now eh? Let alone a budget for this gig. How are we going to afford the maternity leave now?

I was so shocked to find out I was pregnant and borderline crazed over plan making. And now I'm so hurt and disorientated to find out the baby is gone.

Another kick in the guts, one which I can't quite understand why it hurts so much when surely it should of prepared me, was that I knew it wouldn't last. Easy to say now right? But I mentioned my rather pessimistic views on it a few times to Simon, who I had begged not to tell a soul about the pregnancy even though he promptly told his mother (and will now have to tell her sometime soon that the baby is gone). "I don't think this baby is going to stick" I texted him once while I was at work. I had no signs that it wouldn't it was just something I felt. When I thought forward to November 8th, the possible due date of my unborn baby, I could not imagine holding another on in my arms like I could with all the others. Although I had nausea and I was exhausted, I also kept forgetting about being pregnant and when I somehow reminded myself of the fact, the shock would send me reeling again.

Two hours before the bleeding started I had a complete meltdown at Simon. Freaking out about not being able to handle doing it all over again, going another round of being the breadwinner, a mum, no sleep and now also sharing my body again.

And then it happened, a simple trip to the loo turned to absolute horror and here I am, sitting here at my desk which still has a positive pregnancy test sitting innocently on it ...and I'm devastated. And I don't feel like I should be, like I don't deserve to be since maybe my negative thoughts brought this all down on me. Like somehow I'm paying for it.

Even though there is a rational side of my brain whispering 'these things happen, its not your fault, it wasn't meant to be, your not guilty, its probably for the best', just as I had whispered to friends in this very position (yet never ever will again) there is another side of my brain yelling 'suck it up bitch, your totally did this'.

I hope by the time this auto-posts (If its not deleted before then) that I have come to terms with it more, and maybe let some of the guilt go. I wonder if the terror would of subsided and I will be feeling more matter of fact about it all.

I hope I get over it. But something tells me a little part of me wont.

Sneak peak

A little sneak peak from the client shoot I did yesterday. Such a lovely and easy pair to photograph!





I processed these in a couple of different ways but can't decide which version I like the most (click on the image to go through to Flickr and see). Any opinions?

Also, Tracey is expecting twin boys and I get to photograph them once they arrive - so excited!

The waiting game

I'm waiting.

This is me around 38 weeks with ZJ.


I have no desire to take any pictures of me basically naked with this pregnancy. Its cold, I can't be bothered seeing myself in the mirror, let alone the computer screen.

I don't look a whole lot different - maybe a bit smaller though actually. 

I walk around in my boyfriend's jerseys and tee shirts that can't fit all the way over my belly. I live in a pink boob tube that Anita gave me when i was pregnant with ZJ - it makes for perfect wearing under those tees that just don't fit no more.

I thought it would be better this time. Knowing that I actually HAVE A SOLID DATE and all.. But really, the last few weeks are still a horrible wait!

I'm ready for this baby to be born. Even though I'm terrified of labouring again with the whole uterus rupture fun, I probably wouldn't be too upset too much if the baby decided to become before the planned date and I had to rush in for an emergency C section. I'm tired and sore. Probably not as tired and sore as I'm going to be in 3 weeks but the grass is always greener eh?

Me. 37 weeks.

Two weeks to go, yo!





Not the greatest pics... I didn't really get them how I wanted them but I figured I would share them anyway as I don't have much proof of this pregnancy!

I screwed up the exposure etc bad and I'm just so out of practice doing self portraits. Ended up grabbing Simon to click the button once I had it all set up as I just couldn't be bothered hauling my huge weight, wrapped in a unruly sheet, backwards and forwards before the self timer went off.

a to do list

Long time no posting eh?

I'm tired ya'll. This pregnancy is starting to kick my butt. Luckily, I only have another 3 weeks of work to go, and even more thankfully, two of those weeks are short thanks to doctors appointments requiring annual leave and long weekend days in lieu.

I'm hanging out for my leave to start now, not only because i'm dog tired but also because i have a list of mundane things i want to achieve before number two comes into our lives. I'm fully in nesting mode but im also too damn exhausted to do anything about it. Its an odd sensation. All my spare time right now is spend trying to recoup for the next week ahead, stressing about money and spending time with my son.

Anyway, the list...

1. Probably a decent thing to have on the to do list..and quite big - Set up the baby cot and our room. (This actually requires a few sub things such as 'steal baby cot from brother's place', 'find baby bedding in depths of ZJ's wardrobe' and 'nag at Simon to move stuff around'.)
2. Again, another valid thing... Sort out the piles of newborn clothing (requires extra things like - 'wash all that damn clothing' and 'find somewhere to put said clothing')
3. Buy bottles and equipment for new baby. Yes I'm bottlefeeding from day 1 again.
   
   but then the weird mundane things start like...
4. Pluck eyebrows. I'm starting to look like a yetti, but failing to actually care right now.
5. Put all the cooking books in one place. Why? I don't know but my brain says this is IMPORTANT. It will take two seconds but i can't do it now? *shrugs*
6. Put photos in photo frames and display around house. Again, this seems like a weird stupid thing but the brain is like 'this needs to be done YO!'. Maybe to make it more 'homey'? or am i just making up weird justifications?
7. Clean out the Tupperware and random containers cupboard. Also brain needs this completed before number two arrives. I'm going to say this is because i want to see what bottle equipment we actually need for the new baby but really I'm just going to go ahead and by new bottles anyway as i said above so it really makes no sense.
8. Tidy the pantry. Seriously its irritating the hell out of me.
9. Clean the fridge. Again, irritating the hell out of me. Beyond belief.
10. Organise a memory box for ZJ and new baby. instead of it all sitting in random places.
11. Did I mention the eyebrows?

God, I can't wait until I can live in trackie pants all day.

A small weird growth

An outtake from another project's idea (Divine Diptych - which you will see later in the week). But I kinda liked it, in its complete and utter weirdness.

I like that its against my scarred to death belly, even though the marks are more or less silver now, in b&w you can see them again. I don't mind them anymore - really, they are the results of growing a beautiful little creature, and I really can't find fault with that.

That...and I've bagged myself a man, so what do I care? ;)

A work colleague saw this picture of me, taken shortly after I had ZJ and found a painting/postcard thing that looked like earthy roots in blues and browns and this picture reminds me of that alot.

Day 3 - Pregnancy records

Its been a pretty emotional day.

We had a specialist scan today at the hospital. We went in knowing absolutely ziltch about what the ‘irregularity’ was that we were in there to sort out. No one had told us anything, so although we were feeling positive about the whole thing, it was starting to wear on us a bit.

The appointment started off with being ushered into this tiny ‘interview’ room, which really should have had the label ‘Bad News Room’ stuck firmly on the door because it just reeks of doom and gloom. You can tell its not a place you want to be. I immediately got teary, I was starting to stress out about this whole thing.
The doctor came in to see us and ask a few questions and explained what they were going to look at. Turns out that the last scan picked up a rather ‘prominent gallbladder’ (which they kind of mentioned then because they looked at it for ages) and also something wrong with the skull formation (which they hadn’t mentioned!)

We then went into the ultrasound room and got going, the doctor double checked all the measurements of the baby, had a good look at the skull which turned out to be fine and then started looking at this ‘gallbladder’ thing.

They are now fairly sure it isn’t a gallbladder they are looking at, but a sort of cyst. They think. They are going to be getting a few other people to look at the pictures and see what they think. It could be something they need to operate on to remove once the baby is born, however they just don’t know. Hopefully we will know more in the next week or two.

Oh and for the record… the baby is still Mystery Meat. The dr had a good look and ‘couldn’t see any boy parts’ but couldn’t see any girl parts because the cord was in the way.

Fail day

Yesterday was just a bunch of fail.

We had the 20 weeks ultrasound in the morning and man was this baby not cooperating. Again. I don't know if i have moaned about it here but every time I go to the midwife or doctor or whatever this kid is playing games. I don't know how he/she does it but no matter what they cannot pick up a heartbeat.

The first time it happened I was 12 weeks pregnant and so borderline on hearing the heartbeat with the doppler anyway, but internally my brain was saying 'she should be picking it up, they picked it up in seconds at 10 weeks with ZJ!@#!' and freaking out. The day after that I was having my NT scan so after 10 minutes of trying to get this heartbeat picked up, my midwife said she would catch up with me after the scan and gave me the 'hopefully everything was still alright with the baby'... blah blah blah talk, and how they 'hope there is still a viable fetus but to be prepared for there not being one' blah blah blah.
It was a horrid 24 hour wait for that ultrasound and I tell you, when the sonographer put the do-dacky on my belly and straight away we saw that little flickering heart I almost fainted with relief.

I also realised something I had been feeling in my bones anyway, (and i fully believe 'mother bones' feelings exist :P) that this one was stubborn [like her/his mama] and also ....a bit playful.
This one was going to be trouble?

I blame ZJ, he lulled us into a false sense of security with his zero issues, his love of routines, great health and the fact he was sleeping through the night at 3 months. This one? She/he is going to undo all of that, I can feel it.

The next appointment I had with the midwife the same thing basically happened, but becuase i was at the huge clinic she called in a sonographer with a mobile unit to take a check and put my mind at ease. By this stage i had started feeling the baby (although no medical professionals would believe me :P) and i *knew* in my heart that everything was ok, but even when the sonographer picked up the baby straight away and saw that little heart beating, figured out its exact location, the doppler STILL wouldnt pick up the heart beat.

At that point I gave up at ever hearing it and I think from now on i will say no if they ask if i want to hear it with the doppler :P

Yesterdays scan followed the same pattern. Baby was first laying in the worst position possible for getting all the data they wanted. I was made to go to the loo (a bladder of pee i had saved up just for the midwife tests <3) and that made things a little easier but baby kept hiding under my belly button. After 45 minutes of hard pushing on my belly (which was painful and i feel bruised today!) the guy gave up and went and got another lady to help, she was much gentler thankfully but she was having just as much trouble and when they came to look at the sex, baby had clamed her/his legs together so tightly it was impossible to tell. Oh and then her/him decided to STAY PUT like that.
The sonographer was hesitant to tell us what she thought the sex was, becuase she couldnt get a good look, but after i said 'well his family only has boys if that makes it easier' she said 'oh i was going to say girl, i saw no dangly bits'.

So we are no closer to knowing what the sex is and this rubs me up the wrong way like you wouldn't believe. Finding out this information was the only reason I wanted to have the scan. I hate surprises and it bugs me not knowing so bad.

With ZJ we knew he was a he and we could name him and when I lovingly patted my belly I referred to it as 'him' and we called him his name. 
I felt prepared! Now? Not so much.I know how i feel is ridiculous and either way, from all accounts, I'm having a healthy baby... but damn it bugs me! I sulked about it all day and to be honest I'm still sulking!

I guess we will just refer to the bump as Mystery Meat from now on,  or MM for short. Sigh.

Anyone else out there desperately wanted to find out the sex and couldn't?

Liittle Yellow Riding Hood

I think i seriously want to get into more maternity photography. Anyone in Auckland, New Zealand wanting any done?

19 weeks

I'm so out of practise, not only self portrait making abilities wise but photography as a whole wise. There is so much wrong with this image of me but I can't seem to fix it enough.
But I wanted to upload something. Something to show and something to talk about in regards to this new baby. Something to celebrate... because we really have been so quiet about it all and so low key. And thats not how it is in actual real every day life.

The baby is really starting let its presence known these days and its quite exciting. Its a pretty active little thing and already i can feel it moving from the outside sometimes.

I'm so much more relaxed and prepared this time around and it make the whole process so so much easier.

This time last year

Its amazing how images can summons up so many feelings.

This image reminds me of the last couple of months of my pregnancy.

When i see this image I remember vividly how i felt.
I was hot and I was huge..... And I was ZOMG uncomfortable.
The weather had already turned quickly into summer like heat and with my growing body I felt like I was close to having heat stroke the entire day.

I was swollen.

I had to give up work early because I couldn't handle being on my feet all day. I hated that, I resented it because I felt like some sort of failure, I really felt terrible for not working through Christmas like I said i would. It didn't matter that my boss knew I would end up having to finish early, it didn't matter that everyone knew, before I did, that I would finish earlier than I was supposed to.

This image reminds me of all the hopes and dreams i had for my unborn child. I would spend hours thinking about what he would be like. What it would feel like to touch him and smell him.


I wondered what he would look like, what colour his hair would be, what colour would his eyes turn out to be. Would he look like me? Would he be ok?

I barely even thought about labour to be honest -only that i wanted it to hurry up and be over so I didn't have to feel so crap all day and I would have my baby in arms.

It reminds me of how jealous i was that it was cold on the other side of the world!

This image reminds me of all that. it all hits me in the space of a second.

I love it.

I stumbled across the lovely little lady who took this picture in these last horrid hot days.
She was due to give birth to her little girl around the same time as me and i was drawn to her by her identical to mine stretchmarked belly with the same little freckle at the top!

Even though thats where our similarities end, she has touched my life dramatically with her positivity and optimism (something i severely lack!), the way she thinks about parenting and her ability to find beauty in things I just don't see. A strong breastfeeding avocate, she even supported our journey of formula feeding from the sidelines when others didn't.

Anyway, enough blabberjabbing, this print along with a few other favourites of mine, are up for sale on Etsy and I think you should check them out.

Ode to the pregnant belly

Thought I would share a pic or two from a couple of maternity shoots I've done in the last few months as well as a couple of my favourite selfies from my own pregnancy with Zander.

I really love doing maternity photography and I would definitely say if I was to become a full time pro photographer that would be where my passion would lay (along with the odd kiddo shot). There is something awesome about bringing out the beauty of pregnancy and I think its important for every woman who has gone through this/or is going through this to be made to feel special and beautiful.

I myself felt so out of control of my body and almost scared of its changes while I was pregnant with Zander and so photography and self-portraiture during that time really was a type of therapy for me.

I am currently offering my services for maternity photography at a reduced rate - this is to help me get in the practice as well! Pay only a $50 sitting fee (please note this is for Auckland area only) and for any print you may want. Print prices start at 60 cents 15x10cm print and go up $47 for a 50x60 cm poster. Digital files are sold for $15 per file and give you unlimited printing rights.
If you don't want any prints or files, thats fine as well.