The baby that got away

Today, on May 10th, I would of been around 14 weeks pregnant. And as the BabyCentre calendar was suggesting - would be a good day to announce my pregnancy.

As I write this it is the 15th of March and today I have miscarried.

I was so shocked to find out I was pregnant. It was certainly not planned. I didn't feel ready to be pregnant again, even if I felt we could have and handle another baby ok, the thought of being pregnant just freaked me out to my core. How could my body even be ready for this again so soon? How can I be pregnant and be at work again for another go? How is this fair when my other friends are trying so hard to conceive and I just get knocked up randomly?
And we have plans you know? We are getting married next April, no wedding dress shopping now eh? Let alone a budget for this gig. How are we going to afford the maternity leave now?

I was so shocked to find out I was pregnant and borderline crazed over plan making. And now I'm so hurt and disorientated to find out the baby is gone.

Another kick in the guts, one which I can't quite understand why it hurts so much when surely it should of prepared me, was that I knew it wouldn't last. Easy to say now right? But I mentioned my rather pessimistic views on it a few times to Simon, who I had begged not to tell a soul about the pregnancy even though he promptly told his mother (and will now have to tell her sometime soon that the baby is gone). "I don't think this baby is going to stick" I texted him once while I was at work. I had no signs that it wouldn't it was just something I felt. When I thought forward to November 8th, the possible due date of my unborn baby, I could not imagine holding another on in my arms like I could with all the others. Although I had nausea and I was exhausted, I also kept forgetting about being pregnant and when I somehow reminded myself of the fact, the shock would send me reeling again.

Two hours before the bleeding started I had a complete meltdown at Simon. Freaking out about not being able to handle doing it all over again, going another round of being the breadwinner, a mum, no sleep and now also sharing my body again.

And then it happened, a simple trip to the loo turned to absolute horror and here I am, sitting here at my desk which still has a positive pregnancy test sitting innocently on it ...and I'm devastated. And I don't feel like I should be, like I don't deserve to be since maybe my negative thoughts brought this all down on me. Like somehow I'm paying for it.

Even though there is a rational side of my brain whispering 'these things happen, its not your fault, it wasn't meant to be, your not guilty, its probably for the best', just as I had whispered to friends in this very position (yet never ever will again) there is another side of my brain yelling 'suck it up bitch, your totally did this'.

I hope by the time this auto-posts (If its not deleted before then) that I have come to terms with it more, and maybe let some of the guilt go. I wonder if the terror would of subsided and I will be feeling more matter of fact about it all.

I hope I get over it. But something tells me a little part of me wont.

Me. 37 weeks.

Two weeks to go, yo!





Not the greatest pics... I didn't really get them how I wanted them but I figured I would share them anyway as I don't have much proof of this pregnancy!

I screwed up the exposure etc bad and I'm just so out of practice doing self portraits. Ended up grabbing Simon to click the button once I had it all set up as I just couldn't be bothered hauling my huge weight, wrapped in a unruly sheet, backwards and forwards before the self timer went off.

A small weird growth

An outtake from another project's idea (Divine Diptych - which you will see later in the week). But I kinda liked it, in its complete and utter weirdness.

I like that its against my scarred to death belly, even though the marks are more or less silver now, in b&w you can see them again. I don't mind them anymore - really, they are the results of growing a beautiful little creature, and I really can't find fault with that.

That...and I've bagged myself a man, so what do I care? ;)

A work colleague saw this picture of me, taken shortly after I had ZJ and found a painting/postcard thing that looked like earthy roots in blues and browns and this picture reminds me of that alot.

Fail day

Yesterday was just a bunch of fail.

We had the 20 weeks ultrasound in the morning and man was this baby not cooperating. Again. I don't know if i have moaned about it here but every time I go to the midwife or doctor or whatever this kid is playing games. I don't know how he/she does it but no matter what they cannot pick up a heartbeat.

The first time it happened I was 12 weeks pregnant and so borderline on hearing the heartbeat with the doppler anyway, but internally my brain was saying 'she should be picking it up, they picked it up in seconds at 10 weeks with ZJ!@#!' and freaking out. The day after that I was having my NT scan so after 10 minutes of trying to get this heartbeat picked up, my midwife said she would catch up with me after the scan and gave me the 'hopefully everything was still alright with the baby'... blah blah blah talk, and how they 'hope there is still a viable fetus but to be prepared for there not being one' blah blah blah.
It was a horrid 24 hour wait for that ultrasound and I tell you, when the sonographer put the do-dacky on my belly and straight away we saw that little flickering heart I almost fainted with relief.

I also realised something I had been feeling in my bones anyway, (and i fully believe 'mother bones' feelings exist :P) that this one was stubborn [like her/his mama] and also ....a bit playful.
This one was going to be trouble?

I blame ZJ, he lulled us into a false sense of security with his zero issues, his love of routines, great health and the fact he was sleeping through the night at 3 months. This one? She/he is going to undo all of that, I can feel it.

The next appointment I had with the midwife the same thing basically happened, but becuase i was at the huge clinic she called in a sonographer with a mobile unit to take a check and put my mind at ease. By this stage i had started feeling the baby (although no medical professionals would believe me :P) and i *knew* in my heart that everything was ok, but even when the sonographer picked up the baby straight away and saw that little heart beating, figured out its exact location, the doppler STILL wouldnt pick up the heart beat.

At that point I gave up at ever hearing it and I think from now on i will say no if they ask if i want to hear it with the doppler :P

Yesterdays scan followed the same pattern. Baby was first laying in the worst position possible for getting all the data they wanted. I was made to go to the loo (a bladder of pee i had saved up just for the midwife tests <3) and that made things a little easier but baby kept hiding under my belly button. After 45 minutes of hard pushing on my belly (which was painful and i feel bruised today!) the guy gave up and went and got another lady to help, she was much gentler thankfully but she was having just as much trouble and when they came to look at the sex, baby had clamed her/his legs together so tightly it was impossible to tell. Oh and then her/him decided to STAY PUT like that.
The sonographer was hesitant to tell us what she thought the sex was, becuase she couldnt get a good look, but after i said 'well his family only has boys if that makes it easier' she said 'oh i was going to say girl, i saw no dangly bits'.

So we are no closer to knowing what the sex is and this rubs me up the wrong way like you wouldn't believe. Finding out this information was the only reason I wanted to have the scan. I hate surprises and it bugs me not knowing so bad.

With ZJ we knew he was a he and we could name him and when I lovingly patted my belly I referred to it as 'him' and we called him his name. 
I felt prepared! Now? Not so much.I know how i feel is ridiculous and either way, from all accounts, I'm having a healthy baby... but damn it bugs me! I sulked about it all day and to be honest I'm still sulking!

I guess we will just refer to the bump as Mystery Meat from now on,  or MM for short. Sigh.

Anyone else out there desperately wanted to find out the sex and couldn't?

Liittle Yellow Riding Hood

I think i seriously want to get into more maternity photography. Anyone in Auckland, New Zealand wanting any done?

19 weeks

I'm so out of practise, not only self portrait making abilities wise but photography as a whole wise. There is so much wrong with this image of me but I can't seem to fix it enough.
But I wanted to upload something. Something to show and something to talk about in regards to this new baby. Something to celebrate... because we really have been so quiet about it all and so low key. And thats not how it is in actual real every day life.

The baby is really starting let its presence known these days and its quite exciting. Its a pretty active little thing and already i can feel it moving from the outside sometimes.

I'm so much more relaxed and prepared this time around and it make the whole process so so much easier.