Why, Hello...

Am I back? I don't know. but I had to share this:
And say: My children grow more beautiful by the second it seems.
ZJ is three in January and I almost can't believe it. Hes still not a huge talker of english, but doesn't really shut up or stop talking either. He drives me insane, breaks my heart and makes me laugh my ass off. He loves his dad like woah, and could give or take me. The curse of being the working parent sometimes is too hard to bear for this mama.
I love the way he is obsessed with pirates and is almost always in his 'pirate hat' (a knitted black beenie with a skull and crossbones on it). He hates putting on cold clothes on because he is worried they are wet, yet can play in the water outside for hours on end. I can't get over the way he tries to be tricky and the way he says "what happened!?" he he pretends to fall over.
Last weekend him and I went for a wander down the long driveway and then down the very busy main road 'treasure hunting', me basically in my pjs and him in his boots clutching a bucket for all his finds.

Evie is a wee beauty at 14 months. She loves to eat everything and can devour anything within a few seconds. Today she started walking. Shes been standing up solo, cruising and everything for ages, but today she sort of just started walking like shes been doing it for months. Shes so clever and already has so many words that I couldn't even list them all. She says 'ahoy!' when ZJ has his pirate cartoons on and as soon as she is in her highchair in the morning she starts demanding 'mmmnanas!'. When we ask her for a kiss she leans over towards you and goes 'mmmmm!'. She has a smile that can light up a room and melt any heart. Her uncle calls her Scruffy, and ZJ calls her 'Weedy'.

Farewell

There comes a time when a girl must move on.
And the time has come in regards to this blog.

To be perfectly honest... Its not ME. Well, ok...it is. But its kind of a fake me.
I feel restricted in what I can say or do because I know people are watching. Real life people, people that possibly judge. Ok definitely people that judge but people that I care about judging... if you know what I mean.
This whole thing? Its not me. Its more like a veneer. A show.

Its all for others... and its exhausting!

This turned into a place where people came to see what was happening in my life, or our lives really. But you know what? If you want to know that stuff you should call me. Or chat to me on gmail or Facebook. You are all mostly added there anyway. You want to see pics of the kids? I can email them.

I debated sharing anything on the interwebs again but I need a place, a chunk of space that is just mine. Something for the selfish as all fuck fourteen year old girl in me. So I now have a Tumblr account, its not under this same user name - I've let that one go too. Its for pretty little things that catch my eye. Words, poems and pictures and make my brain tick and sing to me. And a home for my self portraits from the 365 project.

Follow me if you like. But don't bring your big girl judgy pants.

Its about me. The inside me. Not the mama me (well, probably that too because thats a huge chunk of me), but its most definitely the non work-safe me. I want to swear and I want to cuss. I want to have a place where I don't think.. oh shit I'm half naked in this picture because I feel comfortable with my body and my sexuality but OHMYGOD what is [instet name of relative] going to think, DOIEVENCARE? Shit.. Do I? Yes? No? ...Yes.'

But before I go I just want to say I'm doing ok and we are doing good. Thank you for your lovely comments, support and love after the miscarriage, especially to those of you who knew from the beginning and were there to cyber-pat my head and fill my head with noise to numb it out. Thankyou to all the D&B loves out there.

I have a wonderful little family, and a wonderful life ahead. The pain, once dulled, only makes that brighter.

xo.

The baby that got away

Today, on May 10th, I would of been around 14 weeks pregnant. And as the BabyCentre calendar was suggesting - would be a good day to announce my pregnancy.

As I write this it is the 15th of March and today I have miscarried.

I was so shocked to find out I was pregnant. It was certainly not planned. I didn't feel ready to be pregnant again, even if I felt we could have and handle another baby ok, the thought of being pregnant just freaked me out to my core. How could my body even be ready for this again so soon? How can I be pregnant and be at work again for another go? How is this fair when my other friends are trying so hard to conceive and I just get knocked up randomly?
And we have plans you know? We are getting married next April, no wedding dress shopping now eh? Let alone a budget for this gig. How are we going to afford the maternity leave now?

I was so shocked to find out I was pregnant and borderline crazed over plan making. And now I'm so hurt and disorientated to find out the baby is gone.

Another kick in the guts, one which I can't quite understand why it hurts so much when surely it should of prepared me, was that I knew it wouldn't last. Easy to say now right? But I mentioned my rather pessimistic views on it a few times to Simon, who I had begged not to tell a soul about the pregnancy even though he promptly told his mother (and will now have to tell her sometime soon that the baby is gone). "I don't think this baby is going to stick" I texted him once while I was at work. I had no signs that it wouldn't it was just something I felt. When I thought forward to November 8th, the possible due date of my unborn baby, I could not imagine holding another on in my arms like I could with all the others. Although I had nausea and I was exhausted, I also kept forgetting about being pregnant and when I somehow reminded myself of the fact, the shock would send me reeling again.

Two hours before the bleeding started I had a complete meltdown at Simon. Freaking out about not being able to handle doing it all over again, going another round of being the breadwinner, a mum, no sleep and now also sharing my body again.

And then it happened, a simple trip to the loo turned to absolute horror and here I am, sitting here at my desk which still has a positive pregnancy test sitting innocently on it ...and I'm devastated. And I don't feel like I should be, like I don't deserve to be since maybe my negative thoughts brought this all down on me. Like somehow I'm paying for it.

Even though there is a rational side of my brain whispering 'these things happen, its not your fault, it wasn't meant to be, your not guilty, its probably for the best', just as I had whispered to friends in this very position (yet never ever will again) there is another side of my brain yelling 'suck it up bitch, your totally did this'.

I hope by the time this auto-posts (If its not deleted before then) that I have come to terms with it more, and maybe let some of the guilt go. I wonder if the terror would of subsided and I will be feeling more matter of fact about it all.

I hope I get over it. But something tells me a little part of me wont.

Some things about my son

I'm having a hugely bad day and I'm unwell... but instead of spreading my misery here I'm going to talk about some wonderful stuff I love about our son.



He went through a stage recently where he would only want to wear his monster all in one polar fleece PJs instead of pants.  I would tie the arms around his waist to form a sort of belt so they wouldn't fall down. I didn't care so much but it was the middle of summer so I can't imagine polar fleece was very comfortable. Each to their own though.

He has a bit of an obsession with cats. He likes to get books with pictures of animals in and says 'Nooo' and shakes his head at every animal in every picture until he gets to a cat. Every other animal is called 'no'. Cats are 'dats'. He tries to call our cats by waving his arm in the air and rubbing his thumb and forefinger together like hes trying to click and then yelling 'ddaaaAAAHHaaaat!'.

He calls his father 'Dad Dii'.
I am 'Daddaa'. Like a lesser, more inferior version of his father. (which technically, in his eyes, is probably true)
We play this game every day where I say "can you say ..Nose!" and he repeats the word, usually pretty well if he knows them (as in he knows what it means, what it does and how he can take it apart with a screwdriver). Try and get him to say 'Mama' or 'mummy' and its 'Daddaa'.
Needless to say, he hasn't really mastered the english language yet.

He says 'oh no!' at least 219407324 times a day. Sometimes he drops things on purpose  just to say it, I swear.

Before bed he has to kiss everyone goodnight. He runs around the room going 'mmmmmm!' and poking his face out, lips puckered. If you take too long to respond his MmMmMMs get louder and louder and he starts pointing at you frustratedly.
If he can possibly get away with it, he will pretend hes forgotten that he has already kissed everyone goodnight and do another round. Hes got good stalling tactics.

Sometimes he is such a little douchebag to his sister and other times hes so so kind. He will fetch her a rattle and shake it in front of her before handing it over. Then he will get a burp cloth and wipe her drool/spill up (all the while saying in his little concerned voice 'oh no! OOH NO!')  and he will pat her head affectionately.

I love the way he can sleep. Sometimes if we have put him to bed and hes decided its not time for sleep he will be a monster and destroy his bed. He will pull all the sheets and mattress protector up, sometimes throwing it all out of the cot but usually he will pile it up in the middle with all his soft toys and you can tell he was laying over it screaming before suddenly just falling asleep, atop the pile.
I go in there at night and remake the bed underneath him, tuck him in and kiss his head. He NEVER wakes up.

<3

♥ list

Love this rustic farm wedding via Ruffledblog.com.

 Lots of fantastic ideas in this low budget wedding blog.

Bit in love with this white floss silk wedding shawl via Mucar on Etsy.

Custom fingerprint rings from Fubuluster on Etsy.

There is so much I love about this camping wedding weekend via OnceWed.

 I have developed a love for convertible dresses.

Gah. <3.

Weeks 9 & 10

Gah, I've been a slackarse keeping track of the colours I have been wearing lately!

So, without further ado, week 9...
BYS - Ultra Violet


Week 10, Avon Speed Dry in Boysenberry

Happy mardi gras

The other day I was feeling nostalgic, as I'm want to do at this time of the year, so I pulled out my huge bag of mardi gras beads from under the bed.

This is what happened.








Happy mardi gras everyone!
And to my New Orleans loved ones? I miss you. Have a daiquiri for me ok?

Everyday...

He seems to grow an inch, or change just a wee bit.





No longer my little baby, but a little boy.
♥

Buttons buttons!

I'm not really a button wearing person, but I would make an exception for these beauties!

♥ list

I am so completely in love with these boots by Spirocreations!!!
They are even from New Zealand. Oh the pictures I could take with these. 

I just need to win lotto first.

 How awesome is this wall decal?? 

 Gorgeous wee print by Nutandbee.

Beautiful shawl by Mucar in Turkey.

So pretty! Grecian ring by Grigio on Etsy.

Love this Can Lantern idea that I found on Ruffled.

Christchurch - ways you can help

 Photo via www.stuff.co.nz

Lots of people have been asking how they can help out, so here you go, here is a list. If you can give, even if it is just a small amount - please do.

Cash donations:
Donate to the Rangiora Earthquake Express - they are getting as much help as they can to Christchurch residents by chopper. Go here to their fund raising page or  here to see their website.

A Mayoral fund has been set up for donations to the citizens of Christchurch using the following BNZ bank account: 02-0800-084958-000.

Donate to the Red Cross or alternatively text a message of hope to 4419 to donate $3 (text works with all mobile network providers in NZ.

Donate to the Salvation Army.

Dontate to the Canterbury SPCA via this form right here.

To help all of the pets and animals affected by the earthquake you can text 'FOOD' to 4662 to donate $3 to the Paw Justice animal food bank.

Volunteers:
The University of Canterbury Students Association is inviting people to join the student volunteer army once again (they are freaking awesome!).
Volunteers should arrive at the UCSA car park on Ilam Road between 9am and 10am and bring shovels, wheelbarrows, gloves, raincoats, sunblock, drink bottles. Find out more about the StudentVolunteerArmy on Facebook.

Phones:
Telecom is collecting corded phones to distribute to those who need them. The phones can be dropped in to any Telecom store during retail opening hours. 

Accommodation:
If you have a spare room and can host Christchurch residents traveling to Auckland to escape the disaster for a while you can call 0800 AUCKLAND to register for billeting. The service will match your facilities with a deserving Cantabrian. Welcoming someone to your home is a very human way to help.

Wellingtonians who can offer accommodation to displaced ChCh peeps by calling 04 801 4205 or emailing CD.Welfare@wcc.govt.nz with details.

Habitat for Humanity is appealing people in Canterbury with space to place listings on www.shelter.org.nz.
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If you have other ways you can help, please add them in the comment section below and please please pass this on to others.

xoxo to all our friends and family in Christchurch right now.

Week 8

BYS - 'Bottle Blonde'



I wanted to love this colour. I really really really truly did. Yellow tends to always make me happy and I had high hopes for this one. The application was so so, I dunno if it wa sa slightly different formula to the other BYS colours I've used so far, if my nails are jsut becoming too crap after repeated coatings of crap or whether I was just doing a crap job that day but it didnt seem as easy as previous times.

The colour really needed at least 2 coats to even really look like the lovely yellow the bottle promises, 3-4 would of been better. It also kinda had a bit of sparkle to it which I'm not sure I like and I think I prefer it now, after 6 days of wear and tear, chipped t buggery because the sparkle is less noticeable. The lady from the shop next door said it kinda reminded her of Karitane yellow, which is not really a compliment as 'karitane yellow' is the colour of poop from formula fed babies.

At least, I can't imagine that being a compliment.

Maybe being teamed with a purple or orangy red would set it off well.

All in all, 3/5 stars.

week 7

So behind..
This was last weeks colour - OPI's 'Yoga-ta get this blue'. (erggh.)



I gotta say - I was kinda impressed at how easy the OPI stuff went on. One to two strokes each nail and it was perfect. On top of that it dried super fast so I didn't screw it up and have to redo it like I have in previous weeks. It looked good after one coat but I ended up putting another one on just to really darken it up as I was wanting a really moody deep dark colour.

Needless to say, I might of been feeling a bit emo.

It chipped off a bit on two nails on the first day of work. However it was a particularly hard day so thats fairly forgivable. It lasted alright during the week but I wouldn't say it was the top contender for staying power.

Also - points off for the crap name - 3.5/5.

Previous weeks...

♥ list

There is just something about these fabric colours and patterns I love.

I want to put something like awesome Nesting Birds Tree Decal
in ZJ's (soon to be ZJ's AND Evie's) bedroom.

Harvest garland by Jaime Mancilla

Love this very cute hanging owl plush from CarrotFever on Etsy!

This is a fantastic idea. Want want!

Vintage Owl Grey Green Teal Playful Magnetic Board.

Beautiful girl

She always catches me with one of her big smiles at just the right time.

Yesterday this beautiful loved up couple came into the library, looking fresh yet like they just rolled out of bed after having sex all day. They had that look about them.. you know? Like they had just gotten dressed so they can get some coffee and supplies and had nothing planned except perhaps watching a movie or two, reading a bit before having an uninterrupted meal and going to bed again.
'You want a dvd or something to read baby?' he had said as he passed the desk. They wandered around the library, hand in hand, pointing out books on crafting and the new best sellers. 'I hate you' I grumbled under my breath.

I never get to read, and if I do its usually when i should be doing something else and I'm racked with guilt. I never get to stroll through anywhere hand in hand with my love, since one of us is generally chasing after a toddler dead set on destruction and the other is holding a baby who probably just puked all over her self.

I was thinking about those two this morning, mumbling to myself as I rolled out of bed at 6am for the 8th time since going to 'sleep' (ha!) at 11pm the night before. Evie had thought 10pm was a good time to play and be AWAKE! ...and also 1am, 2:30ish am, between 4-5am and now at 6am she was back at it, squee-ing and bouncing around in her cot. 6am, by all means was a sleep in for us, but I could help but think those two arty gorgeous creatures who didn't look tired AT ALL were probably cuddled up happily in slumber-land.

But then she smiled up at me as I look down into her cot, shes always such a happy baby and always in a good mood. It contagious, it makes everything ok again.

I think about when I feed her a bottle, its so special considering I hardly get a chance to do it. I love the night time bottle the most when I can hear the chaos outside and ZJ banging some toy against the coffee table. But we are sitting in the dark and cool. I have her in my arms and she looks up at me and catches me looking, she will smile and her eyes do this light up thing which makes my heart skip. Her little tiny fingers will curl around my finger and everything seems right, and in its place and that the 5am wakeup calls, the misery of working my arse off... its all worth it.

One of her smiles fixes everything.

Week 6

Thought I repost this with the review of this nail polish I figured I would write but never got round to it. I mean, if I'm going to wear 52 different nail polishes this year I might as well talk about them right?



Smurf blood blue. Thats not actually what it was called -Avon would never call it something like that. Could you imagine the Avon lady trying to sell that?
It should of been though, it was the perfect mushed up smurf colour. I loved it! I'm not entirely sold that blue hues suit my skin colouring, or the hordes of bright pink clothes I seem to have (?? Where did these come from?) bt I still enjoyed it for the week.

It went on ok. I seemed to screw up the first try though. For some reason this always happens to me and I end up taking it off and redoing it. seeming t strip my nails with nail polish remover makes the next load go on better? I don't know.
It was a bit thin and because its fairly fast drying you have to have your wits about you while doing it (i.e not doing it on your cofee table at 10pm when you are meant to be in bed because you have been up since 4 and have had 5904375943 coffees). I got good comments about it though sot he second coat I put on must of hid the crappy application/streakiness.

I was mildly surprised at its staying on power too. I'm as librarian so I'm constantly bumping my nails against books and desks as I check in, shelve and whatnot, so nail polishes (especially considering I never use any sort of top coat, i don't have time for that sort of carry on) has to be pretty good to last more than a day without chipping, and this lasted about 3 days before I saw a real noticeable chunk missing - so it gets ticks for that (honestly, my life is brutal on my nails).

Avon Nailwear Pro in Misty Blue - 3/5 stars.

♥ list

Absolutely adore this song and advert.

'You are Here' print by Hellogoodbyeagain.

I love honest cards ;) This one is by Sycamore Street Press.

Je t'aime.

Anti Valentines day card on Etsy. Especially love the inside!

Better Together by MiniMooshee

Eclair - 6 months